


Dirty and Clean

by Gigi



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Character Study, F/M, POV Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-27
Updated: 2011-10-27
Packaged: 2017-10-25 00:32:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gigi/pseuds/Gigi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike stands at Buffy's grave trying to figure out just how the hell he got here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dirty

It should be easier to find the words, or just two words, "Good-bye". It isn't, not at all, to many words seem to want cross my lips. My mind seems to lock up; my eyes go to that tiny price of dirt just above the 'U' on the gravestone. It isn't right, that bit of mud, she would want her final resting-place to be clean like her. She was always clean, smellin'' of cinnamon and sweet vanilla.

I don't even know why I come here, why I stand here? I just stare down at the pile of dirt where the slayer lay six feet under. She didn't love me she couldn't really. Her heart wasn't her own it belong to my grand-sire. I now know why He left her. Why He holds on to His soul, so that He can always have her.

There is a part of me that wishes I were He, another part of me wishes I could join Him in His pain. But I can not; not even her friends feel the same as I. I am alone. Boomed to stand in front of her grave until the end of time.

Alone.

As alone I felt when I was walking down that long street when I was still mortal, my Dru found me then, She pulled me from the lonely light and placed me in the night where I was suppose to have forever happiness. I remember Her smile; She told me I would be great. The feeling of Her teeth, as they tore though my soft skin for the very first time. I remember how He had to give me His blood to finish the task.

I felt whole then, as happy as a vampire could be. William was gone; I killed everyone who ever said a cruel heartless thing to me… As well those who did not. I had power and it filled me with the lust for blood. Though this all, though the madness of huntin' and killin' my Dru was there at my side, smilin' the smile that only She could give.

Those were great times, times that were not sadden or brought down by the fightin' I had with Angelus, we fought but were still family willing do anything for one another just how Drusilla and Darla behaved. Those times were killed by the moment when our Angelus was killed and Angel was born.

 

Such wonderful things if not for that one sad event, we got over it. But then she was born. I should never of come here, but Drusilla saw it. The death of her Grand-sire, Darla's death by Angel's own hand, He had done the undo able killed His own sire.

My poor Dru knew she had to go spill His blood, to kill the soul that killed Darla, it was not a job that she was up to. She was weak, sick from other things that had happened. I knew I had to go with Her, I had to enter the place where I would never leave. I had to enter the mouth of hell, all for the taste of blood.

Dru has always had been the patch of the light in the darkness of my life. When She first got ill I knew that I had to be strong for Her. Yet, how I wish I told Her "No, we can't go to Sunnydale." But here I stand, fuckin' cryin' over a slayer's grave. I have hunted her, wished to kill her and burned to make love to her, over and over. But now she's gone.

When we first rode past the city limits into Sunnyhell, my Dru started to weep blood tears. I remember how the red tears made their path down Her cream skin. She was even lovely when She did this; I asked her five times before She told me what She was feelin' and what was wrong.

"They (the stars) sing of many things, of hearts being torn from chests, of hateful love. Here is were the beginning of our end." I was dumbfounded. I know my Dru could hear things that she knew things, which her eyes could pick things out that mine could not. She had this gift before Her sire had given Her the other one. Yet, my lips moved in words that sounded a somethin' like this:

"Nothin' can end us pet," I saw the hope grow in her eyes, "Our love is stronger then the stars, it will out live 'em all." That seemed to lighten her mood. She was quiet the rest of the trip. Not even singin' as she does when it's too quiet it for her.

Our plans were so simple to come here and steal away His life. But she had to be here; she had to smell so sweet with her slayer blood. My Dru hated her at first sight; She reminded Her that Angelus wasn't to be ours, that we had to kill Him with our own hands.

What would He think of me now? Standing here crying, and needing His mate to rise from the grave. She was always His; there was no way out of that. Though I fought with her, tired to get her to see that she could be mine. That I could be better then Him, but she always said 'No'.

I remember when Angelus was reborn, when He walked though the doors of our home and appeared as if times were still the same. My heart was harden to him, it wasn't just because He killed Darla, but because He wanted my Dru.

Dru wanted Him, She wanted us both, and I could see it in Her eyes. She wanted Him because She would not have to kill Him for this if He had no soul. She loved Her Sire more then I could understand, even though my love was the same for Her. She got all Her wishes She had made on those stars above. What could I do? I just watched them it was driving me madder then my own Sire.

I started to give in to my hate, I hated the way She loved Him more then I, could it be that I was being replaced? That was the start of the end, when I even started to have those 'friendly' dealings with the Slayer. This is what I think my Dru saw, She saw the pain I would cause Her and myself when I would give up on my Sire, and seek other things to pass the time. When I would feel the burning love I had for the slayer, her with her vanilla spiced cinnamon sweet blood smelling of life.

My Dru lift me soon after we left Sunnydale, yes She was at my side, but She wasn't really there. That demon was the last step. I knew it. And where did I go? I went to the slayer; yes I said to kill her. But all the same I went back to Sunnydale. I found Him there; they were fightin' against all odds for their love. I give them some fuckin' fancy words and they ate 'em like they were candy. I was a fool.

Again and again I was thrown back to Sunnydale back to her. I didn't seem to understand why she always called me. When I was bloody fixed like a bad dog that humped someone's leg way to offend. I felt doomed. Yet, I saw it as away in to her life, as well as away to get money.

 

It was rather funny, there I was tired to her bloody watcher's chair and I felt hope every time she enter and exit his door. I loved being there, the way each of them would walk past me and their looks they would give. I was a reminder of the evil that they were fighting, but more then that I was the dirt that they had inside of them. They were all trying to be good, all trying to fit in some how. It was refreshing to see that the slayer's life wasn't all perfect.

At least for a little while.

I remember when I was finely allowed to move around, there were sometimes when they though I was a sleep. I would listen in on Giles talking to her. How she would be in tears over all the things that was hunting her, hurting her. Not all of them were demons.

I remember hearing those tears that used to fall; each one would break my heart. Sometimes I wanted to tell her I understood. The rejection she was feeling was not new, that even I felt it now and again. I couldn't do that, no not 'Big Bad'. I used every little tear to hurt her.

What can I do now? Why can't I stop cryin'? After I think of everything, after I start to feel all the old feelings. I can't leave here, even though she's gone. I give my word to her. All the Summers Women have been important to me in this place. The slayer to kill, her mother who used to feed me hot cocoa and let me cry on her shoulder. Even when she found out that I wanted sometimes to tear out her throat.

Now there is Dawn. For some reason I feel so close to her. Maybe it is because she is a part of the Slayer, her sister. I remember when we were about to go off to kill the Hell Goddess, I remember standing there at the bottom of her steps. I knew I had to tell her how I was feelin'. She needed to know.

When I told her, when she looked at me with those eyes. I knew that I said something that almost hurt her. She hates it when someone loves her, that she might have to love them back.. Maybe it was because of my Grand-Sire. Maybe He was still in her system. I know better now, I know that they are true mates. Even if they don't. That doesn't mean I won't think of her as my own, but back to the story.

There I was, Gods, standing there waiting for her to say something to me. I flashed back to the fuckin' whore that I give those stupid poems as gift to. I was waitin' for her to tell me to go to hell or rush in my arms and tell me that I was her man. This wasn't my Dru.   
I was to stand here all by myself and burn in the heat of her bein'. She turned and walked up the stairs to get ready. Though she did make me give my word on one thing.

Watch over Dawn.

I would do that any ways. Like I said the Summers Women know how to steal my heart, but Dawn is different. Some part of me wants to be a father to the Little Bit. If I were my old self I would make her my childe. There is something in her eyes that clams me. I would never hurt her.

Chip be damned.

I don't even know how long I have been standin' here and my eyes are still on that mud that has never moved. The mud reminds me of me, of how I was holdin' on to her light, her life. Tryin' not to let her wash me away. Should I remove it? Should I let her finely be free of me?

No.

Because some day, I know her soul will be back. She might not have the same name. She might not look the same. But she will be the same soul, the soul that I have fallen in love with. Until then I am going to watch over this grave and the last Summers woman...err… girl. She will be my light.

In fact it's time for me to go to her. She'll be waitin'. I hope Red is still with her. As I turn away from the last place she'll ever sleep in, I wonder if I have truly become so weak. I shouldn't be cryin'; I shouldn't be doing this. Yet, as my feet move towards the gates of the graveyard, I feel my heart being thorn out of my chest. Did I just see the Scooby Gang? Red's holdin' somethin' funny, a jar?

That's none of my problem now is it? This is my final good by to her, each step carrin' me closer to her sister, making me remember my word to her. I will do what I have to. Knowing that they are here makes me know that I am late, I hope Dawn is safe and warm.

Good bye Buffy, Good bye…

Enjoy your haven, because no one like you can be in Hell. The powers that be would never allow that to happen. My tears finely stop, as I give one last look at the people around the slayer's grave. I could never be with them.

I am the dirt and they are the clean.

Fuck it.

At least I know Dawn will never turn her back on me. One day when this chip is out of my head, I'll show 'em, that I am not as dirty as they think I am.

I can be clean too.


	2. Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She stands at his door pretending she doesn't need him even just a little. He just pretends he doesn't care.

I watch her, her body pressed to my door. I wonder if I should tell her I am back, if I should tell her that I didn't really go for long. But I had to get away from it all after I saw her. I knew that if I stayed I would say something that would just make it harder for her. She looked perfect, but she always looked perfected. Maybe it's a slayer thing. Maybe it just like it always was.

“Well, here's a sight, the slayer knockin' on my door, what ever will all the other vampires think?” It's easier to be a smart mouth then to tell her how I really feel, however when she turns and looks at me I know somethin' is wrong. I know that I should keep my pissy thoughts to myself.

“Spike?”

When did she get so unsure of herself? I nod, flicking the dead fag from my fingers. The slayer looked tired now, looked like she needed someone to take her in their arms and hold her. Did her friends know what they did to her? “Well, I am not Angel, am I?” I tired to smirk but it just seemed to die on my lips.

“You never could be.”

No, I could never be Angelus, I tired to for a very long time to be him. Perhaps I am still doing it by wanting 'his woman'. I took a step closer, which was always dangerous thing when dealing with slayers let alone Buffy Anne Summers. “What do you need?” I asked wanting this to be like the old days, just let her tell me what she wants then I can do it. I know for her to appear weak to me will only break her more.

She didn't want to answer I could tell, I wasn't about to let her. I put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. Her body was cold, but under that cold was the heat of her blood. I wished that I could offer the same warmth, that I could warm her from the outside in. But as she said, I can never be Angel. She was letting me hold her, she was letting us have a moment that we both knew that we would have to walk away from.

My tongue burns with words that I wish I could say, 'I love you.' or 'I took care of her, I kept her safe for you, I did.' Words would only of ruined the moment, I was just happy to be holding her rather then looking at her grave. After a while of just holding her I pressed a kiss to her forehead, “It gets better.” I said, but I wasn't sure if I meant it.

“I know.”

The words were pointless, there was just some kind of understanding here. Perhaps it was because we were now dirty together. We both knew what it was like to die and to rise from the grave. No, ever shakes the dirt from the grave all the way off them, nor the cold that seems to linger on your skin.

That's fine. I hated being dirty alone, but now I'm not. Her friends will never understand, she needs me. It's nice to be needed.

Fuck being clean.

She's mine.

-Fin.   
~


End file.
